Understanding & Breaking the Cycle of Anger in Desi Households
Why Is Anger So Normalized in South Asian Families?
If you grew up in a Desi household, you might be familiar with yelling, the silent treatment, or passive-aggressive remarks as ways that your family’s anger was expressed. In many families, anger is one of the few emotions openly shown while sadness, vulnerability, and even joy may be downplayed or dismissed. But why is this the case?!
For many generations, Desi families have navigated a whole lot of stress. Let’s consider colonial trauma, forced displacement, immigration challenges, or financial hardships, systemic racism as a few stressors. Many of our parents and grandparents were in survival mode, where emotional regulation wasn’t prioritized. As a result, anger became a default response to stress, disappointment, or lack of control.
How Unhealthy Anger Manifests in Families
Unprocessed anger can show up in various ways:
Explosive Anger: Yelling, intimidation, or even physical violence.
Silent Treatment & Avoidance: Shutting down emotionally, refusing to communicate.
Passive Aggression: Guilt-tripping, sarcasm, or indirect criticism.
Dismissiveness: Invalidating emotions with phrases like “Don’t be weak” or “Stop overreacting.”
These behaviours create an environment of fear, resentment, and emotional suppression, which children often carry into adulthood. These patterns shape the way we view the world around us and the way we relate to others in our adulthood. If we are not careful or aware, we tend to bring these patterns and behaviours into our relationships and end up passing them down to our own families in the future.
The Impact of Growing Up in an Angry Household
If anger was a dominant emotion in your home, you might have:
Struggled with conflict resolution (avoiding confrontation or becoming aggressive). You may even notice increased people-pleasing behaviours to “keep the peace” in the home.
Developed anxiety or hypervigilance (walking on eggshells around family members). You may notice how the folks in your home are feeling based on the way they walk around, close doors, sigh, etc.
Found it difficult to express emotions without fear of judgment or rejection. You may have found it easier not to say anything at all.
Breaking the Cycle: Expressing Anger in a Healthy Way
Anger itself isn’t the problem, though. It’s how we handle it. Here’s how we can break the cycle:
Recognize Triggers: Notice when and why anger arises in you. What is your automatic response? How would you rather respond in the future?
Pause Before Reacting: Take deep breaths, ground yourself before responding. This won’t always feel possible, but practice makes progress. You may even have to ask for a short break (between 20 minutes to 24 hours depending on the level of activation you’re experiencing). You’re allowed to ask for this and so are your loved ones. This can be helpful for conflict resolution and repair.
Communicate Assertively: Use "I" statements instead of blaming others. For example, “I am upset or angry right now” instead of “You always…” or “You never…” statements.
Allow Space for Other Emotions: Anger often masks sadness, fear, or hurt. Explore what’s underneath. You can journal about your feelings and the things that make you angry to help you get to what’s underneath. Therapy is also a great way to get started if you are unsure how to do this on your own.
Seek Therapy: Healing generational trauma starts with self-awareness and professional support.
Changing how anger is handled in South Asian households won’t happen overnight, but it begins with each of us. The more we practice self-awareness, healthy expression, and emotional regulation, the more we reshape how future generations experience and process emotions. You can make a difference just by showing up and doing the work. All that matters is that you’re trying your best. You’ll notice the growth the more you practice unlearning and breaking patterns in your daily life.
