The Costs of Avoiding Conflict in Desi Families
In many South Asian families, conflict is treated like a threat. It is considered something to suppress, avoid, or deny entirely. Disagreements are often seen as disrespectful, difficult conversations are dodged in the name of “keeping the peace,” and silence is mistaken for harmony. But beneath this silence lies tension, resentment, and a deep desire to be seen, heard, and understood. Isn’t that what everyone wants at the end of the day?
As a therapist who works closely with South Asian individuals navigating family dynamics, I’ve seen how this avoidance of conflict is less about the absence of love and more about inherited survival strategies. Our families may have survived displacement, immigration, generational trauma, or caste and class hierarchies—where keeping quiet was often the safest path.
But…what happens when silence becomes the norm? How might this impact our most intimate relationships?
Why Conflict Is Avoided in South Asian Households
Cultural Values of Respect and Hierarchy
In many South Asian cultures, elders are placed at the top of the family hierarchy, and questioning them can be seen as disrespectful or shameful. This makes it hard for younger generations to express disagreement, even when it's valid and necessary.Fear of Shame (Sharam) and Social Image (Log Kya Kahenge?)
The pressure to maintain family honor means many difficult conversations get buried. Emotions like anger, disappointment, or frustration are often seen as selfish or taboo, leading to emotional repression instead of resolution.Avoidance as a Learned Coping Mechanism
Many of us grew up watching our caregivers shut down, lash out, or walk away from conflict without any resolution or reparation attempts. Without healthy modeling, we internalize the idea that conflict is dangerous, rather than an opportunity for growth, connection, and closeness.
What It Costs Us
Avoiding conflict doesn’t make it disappear. It just means that it has been swept under the rug. Over time, that avoidance can lead to:
Emotional Distance: Without honest dialogue, connection suffers. Conversations stay surface-level, and vulnerability becomes rare.
Internalized Guilt and Confusion: Many cycle breakers feel torn between loyalty to their family and loyalty to themselves. This leads to guilt, anxiety, and chronic self-doubt.
Suppressed Identity: When you're never allowed to voice your truth, your needs, or your pain, it can feel like you don’t fully exist within your own family.
Three Ways to Practice Difficult Conversations
Here are some gentle, culturally mindful ways to start shifting the dynamics:
1. Start Small and Stay Grounded
Instead of diving into the most painful topic, begin with a smaller disagreement. Practice staying regulated by taking deep breaths, pausing when needed, and grounding yourself in your “why.” The goal isn’t to win, but to show that safety can exist even in disagreement.
2. Use “I” Statements
Shift away from blame by using “I feel” or “I need” statements. For example:
“I feel overwhelmed when decisions are made for me. I’d like to be included in conversations that affect me.”
3. Acknowledge the Fear and Speak Out Anyway
Let your loved ones know this conversation matters to you because you care. You can say,
“I’m nervous to bring this up, and I know we don’t usually talk about things this way. But this is important to me because I want us to be closer.”
Please note that if you’re experiencing fear due to a lack of physical safety, speaking out may put you in more danger. If you are in immediate danger, dial 911.
You’re Not Disrespectful for Wanting to Be Understood
Challenging family norms is not easy. But conflict doesn’t have to be harmful! It can be healing. The ability to express discomfort, set boundaries, and ask for change is a sign of emotional maturity, not disloyalty.
Ready to Explore This in Therapy?
At Risha Dave Psychotherapy, we specialize in helping South Asian individuals and couples break intergenerational patterns, find their voice, and build authentic relationships—without losing connection to their cultural roots. Book a free phone consultation with us today.
