People-Pleasing Is Not Peacekeeping: Unpacking the Roots of This Pattern
We often confuse peace with silence. Especially in many South Asian households, sweeping things under the rug at the expense of our own needs is praised as being a "good daughter," "good wife," or "good person."
But here's the truth: people-pleasing is not peacekeeping. I would describe it as self-abandonment dressed up as harmony.
Where Does People-Pleasing Come From?
This pattern didn’t start out of nowhere. People-pleasing often has deep roots in:
1. Survival-Based Conditioning
Many of us grew up in households where love was conditional. You were rewarded for being quiet, agreeable, obedient, and punished (through shame, guilt, or withdrawal of affection) for speaking up or saying no.
You learned:
It’s safer to agree.
Disagreement equals disrespect.
Your needs will be met if you don’t "cause problems."
Over time, pleasing others became your way of staying safe. If you would just agree, there would not be room for any conflict or confrontation…
2. Cultural Expectations
In South Asian communities, there's a strong emphasis on putting family first, not bringing shame, and upholding traditions. While this can build deep bonds, it can also blur boundaries and silence individuality.
You may have heard:
“What will people say?”
“Don’t talk back to elders.”
“Family always comes first.”
Translation? You don’t get to have your own limits or needs if it disrupts the status quo, so just keep quiet.
3. Gender Roles
For women especially, people-pleasing gets tangled up with gendered expectations: being nurturing, accommodating, and emotionally available at all times. Being assertive might get labeled as “rude” or “too much.”
As a result, many women I work with carry a deep fear that if they stop people-pleasing, they’ll lose connection, be seen as selfish, or somehow “fail” their role in the family.
How It Shows Up
People-pleasing isn’t just saying “yes” all the time. It’s a full-body experience of disconnection from your own needs. It might look like:
Over-apologizing even when you’ve done nothing wrong
Avoiding conflict at all costs
Feeling anxious when someone is upset with you
Constantly editing yourself to avoid disapproval
Saying “I’m fine” when you’re not
Feeling resentful but unable to express it
You might feel temporarily relieved when you choose to the peace but that relief tends to be short-lived. Because deep down, your inner voice is asking: What about me?
Why People-Pleasing Is Not Peacekeeping
Peacekeeping implies mutual respect, open communication, and collaborative decision-making. People-pleasing lacks all of that.
There’s no true peace when only one person is doing the emotional labor.
There's no safety when your voice is missing from the conversation.
And there’s no harmony if it comes at the cost of your authenticity.
People-pleasing creates the illusion of peace by avoiding tension, but real peace is the presence of truth, not the absence of conflict.
The Cost of People-Pleasing
The long-term impact can be exhausting and heartbreaking:
Burnout from constantly managing others’ emotions
Confusion around your own identity (“Who am I outside of others’ expectations?”)
Chronic guilt when trying to set boundaries
Difficulty receiving support or expressing needs
Feeling disconnected from your own body and emotions
It often leads to internalized beliefs like:
“My needs are a burden.”
“I don’t deserve space.”
“I have to earn love.”
None of that is true but I get it! It feels true when you’ve been trained to disconnect from yourself.
Reclaiming Yourself Starts Here
Healing from people-pleasing means coming back to yourself.
It’s a slow, layered process that often begins in therapy especially when there’s cultural and intergenerational trauma involved. Here are some starting points:
Notice when you’re shape-shifting. Ask: What part of me feels unsafe to be seen?
Pause before responding. Give yourself permission to say, “Let me get back to you.”
Practice micro-boundaries. Small no’s build muscle for bigger ones.
Challenge the guilt. Guilt is not a reliable indicator of wrongdoing if you’re used to betraying yourself.
Reconnect with your values. What matters to you, beyond what’s expected of you?
You Deserve More Than Performance
You deserve to be in relationships where your needs aren’t seen as threats, where your voice matters, and where peace doesn’t require you to disappear.
People-pleasing helped you survive, but it’s not the path to wholeness.
Peace doesn't mean being agreeable, it means being authentically you. And that’s a version of you worth fighting for.
